Renegade Shepard
by REDEEMERpuppy
Summary: What happened on the Normandy when you weren't looking...


**Normandy**

(_This story takes place at a nonexistent time in the game – do not be surprised if you see characters that are supposed to be dead, or other absurd things along those lines_)

Shepard – "EDI, I see you have acquired a woman's body…"

EDI – "Yes commander, I have integrated myself in the Cerberus synthetic we retrieved on Mars."

Shepard – "Well, now that you have a woman's body, you also must acquire the responsibilities of a woman."

EDI – "I do not understand the implications you are making. What things must a woman do in order to be a woman?"

Shepard - "There is an empty kitchen on the crew deck...do you see the problem EDI?"

EDI - "Commander, I fail to see the correlation between my hardware equipment and programming and the unmanned cooking station on the lower levels..."

Shepard - "Just get your ass in the kitchen EDI, I am hungry...so is Joker"

Joker - "Leave me out of this Commander..."

EDI - "Jeff, say something to the commander to negate this subroutine he is attempting to have me perform."

Shepard - "Shut up EDI and get to the kitchen and make me a sandwich...that's an order"

EDI - "As you wish Commander, sandwich making subroutines initialized"

Shepard - "As for you Joker, you do not have my utmost respect until you tap that robotic ass, understood?"

Joker - "But Commander, I could shatter my pelvis doing a little of that. Besides, I don't think such a thing between us is possible...her being a synthetic and me an organic and all"

EDI - "Sandwich making subroutines complete. Please enjoy Commander."

Shepard - "This sandwich is f*****g terrible EDI, don't ever go near the kitchen again."

Joker – "Come on commander, go easy on her, she was not designed to make sandwiches via a synthetic body"

Shepard – "Here Joker, you have it."

Joker – "Well, uh, this is….um…..very good EDI, thank you."

EDI – "The expressions your face is making would evidently prove otherwise, Jeff."

Joker – "Man EDI, you sure take the fun out of lying…"

Shepard – "I will leave you two alone now….Remember what I told you Joker."

Joker – "Uh yeah, sure thing commander…I'll get right on that…I guess."

EDI – "What command did Shepard issue you Jeff?"

Joker – "Uh well, nothing EDI, don't worry about it."

EDI – "Now searching recent cockpit audio recording for conversation with the commander….Jeff, what does the commander mean by 'tap that robotic ass'?"

Joker – "EDI, please don't inquire about it…"

EDI – "I will search through the Extranet for an answer since you seem unable to respond…"

Joker – "EDI, don't do that….uh, work on the location of Cerberus instead or something like that."

EDI – "Very well Jeff, I will continue to locate Cerberus headquarters. I shall continue the investigation of this topic later."

_Shepard calls a meeting in the war room with various individuals from the ship_

Shepard – "Mordin, how is that upgrade going? You know, the one that will make me look more jacked than any other man on this ship…"

Mordin – "Shepard. Yes. Biological upgrade nearly ready. More muscular. Yes. Need more time. Time needed unknown. Explanation unnecessary."

Shepard – "Good work. Go work on it now. Inform me when it is complete. On to other business…Jacob, why is it that there are only three black guys in the universe? I mean, I only know of you, your father and Admiral Anderson. Never mind, your father was an ass and I killed him…so only two black people in the universe"

Jacob – "I am partly offended by that commander. There are six large colonies of humans with dark skin on the planets…"

EDI _Intercom_ – "All colonies of dark-skinned humans were taken by the Collectors…they no longer exist."

Shepard – "As I said…only two black people."

_Jacob remains silent_

Shepard – "Well, that solves that problem. Now, Miranda….you claim to be perfect….but Liara's tits are bigger than yours. Her ass is rounder as well. Explain yourself."

Miranda – "Shepard I hardly think that is appropriate at the time."

Shepard – "It is highly appropriate, in the sense that it has to do with the morale of the men on this ship….and special-officer Traynor."

Liara – "Commander, please, derail the topic. Speak of the mission instead."

Shepard – "Fine, but I will discuss this more intently with the two of you later…in the captain's quarters."

Liara – "Shepard…"

Miranda – "I don't think so commander."

Grunt – "Shepard, you will have time to mate later. We need to find Cerberus."

Shepard – "Indeed. The Illusive man has turned out to be a real son of bitch. Looks like the white man is consuming all the resources and killing of the local species…again."

James – "Yeah, that seems to be a common enough occurrence in human history."

Shepard – "Shut up meat sac….I don't recall asking the bag of muscles his opinion."

James – "With all due respect commander, fuck you."

Shepard – "Dully noted. As for the Illusive Man, we are still trying to locate him. Miranda placed a locator chip on that Leng dude. We should know about the location of Cerberus soon."

Grunt – "Leng? Who is that? Another human?"

Shepard – "He's an assassin hired by Cerberus. He is also the only Asian in the Galaxy."

Ashley – "Which is surprising since the Asian populous was the greatest on Earth less that 100 years ago."

Shepard – "Shut up Ash. You nearly shot me half a dozen times already. You need to re-earn my respect. K bitch?"

Ashley – "Yes…sir."

Jacob – "Commander, you seem to be a bit of an asshole today if you don't mind me saying."

Shepard – "Oh, I'm sorry, are you upset? Would a bit of fried chicken would cheer you up?"

_Jacob goes silent again_

EDI _Intercom_ – "Commander, we have located Cerberus headquarters…near a tera-forming dark star."

Joker _Intercom_ – "I have imputed the co-ordinates and we are enroute as we speak."

Shepard – "Good work. The rest of you are dismissed. Go and prepare for the upcoming attack. Miranda and Liara…we'll pick this up later."

_Shepard heads over to see if Mordin is finished with the upgrade. Tali is also there for no reason whatsoever._

Mordin – "Commander. I am finished requested upgrade. Muscle growth. Effects not guaranteed. Need human test subject."

Shepard – "Why are you here Tali?"

Tali – "Shepard, I was just talking to Mordin."

Mordin – "Yes. Just talking. Subject of conversation on need-to-know basis."

Shepard – "This is a need to know basis, for my curiosity."

Tali – "I'd rather not Shepard…"

Shepard – "I don't see what could be so important….ahhh, I get it."

_Shepard gives a wry smile at the two_

Mordin – "Commander Shepard clever. No fooling him. He knows of situation between Mordin and Tali."

Tali – "Is this true Shepard"

_Shepard is still smiling…creepily_

Tali – "I am going back to the engine room now…"

_Shepard continues to smile awkwardly at her until she leaves_

Shepard – "So Mordin. You tap that bitch?"

Mordin – "Of course. Shepard. It had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

Shepard – "Wait, how would you get something like hat wrong?"

Mordin – "Quarian anti-contamination suit. Risky business. Tali unable to be in our atmosphere."

Shepard – "So how did you pull it off?"

Mordin – "Changed atmosphere of lab for short time. Very successful."

Shepard – "Am I to expect some little hybrids running around?"

Mordin – "As I said. Someone else might have gotten it wrong. No mistakes. No hybrids in future as of recent events."

Shepard – "Alright then, onto further business. You need a human to test the steroid on?"

Mordin – "Correct. Preferably someone expendable. Male human. Best chance for feedback."

Shepard – "I nominate James for the testing. When can we begin?"

Mordin – "Whenever you're ready commander."

Shepard – "Good, let's go down to the shuttle bay now."

James – "So this will give me more muscle mass?"

Mordin – "Potentially. Do you accept this?"

James – "Hell yes. Give that here."

_Mordin administers the chemical. James' muscular body begins to expand at a rapid rate. He then explodes._

EDI _Intercom _– "Clean up in the Shuttle Bay."

Shepard – "I think I will pass on this steroid, Mordin."

Mordin – "Understandable. Was not fond of James in any case."

Joker _Intercom_ – "We have reached Cerberus Headquarters commander."

Shepard – "Good, get everyone together on the shuttle. We're going in."

_After somehow infiltrating the Cerberus base, Shepard and a bunch of other crew members are in the main lab where the Illusive usually sits facing the star_

Shepard – "And you're telling me this now?"

Prothean VI – "I did not know that you were determined to fight your destiny…with no chance of success."

Ashley – "Dick move."

Jacob – "No wonder the Reapers wiped you out. Who wants scumbags like you around?"

Shepard – "We need to get to the Citadel."

Liara – "Commander, we have company."

_Shepard turns around to see Leng with his sword out, blocking the exit. Leng punches the floor, shattering and destroying it._

Shepard – "Why would you do that? That was a perfectly good marble floor. Now it's ruined."

Leng – "The Illusive Man told not to overstay your welcome."

Shepard – "Yeah, he didn't stick around himself. So how does it feel to be the only Asian in existence?"

_Leng says nothing and starts to fight Shepard. Leng dies quickly._ _The crew goes back to the Normandy. They go to Omega to get supplies before joining the fleet near Earth._

EDI – "Jeff, I have done research on the commander's previous orders for you. I believe he wants you to perform sexual intercourse with me. Is this information accurate?"

Joker – "You could put it that way. I think he was just joking around though EDI. Don't take it seriously."

EDI – "Negative, the commander's tone indicates that he fully expects you to comply with this order. I will speak to Mordin and Tali about upgrading this body to fulfill the requirements to complete this command."

Joker – "Dear god, commander. What have you done?"

_Shepard laughs loudly and pats Joker on the back._

Shepard – "You're welcome. Have fun."

Joker – "Well, we've reached Omega…try not to cause trouble commander."

Shepard – "Don't command your CO Joker, that's not good for your courier…"

Joker – "Well, whatever, you just got me into a troubling predicament with EDI."

EDI – "Negative Jeff, from my research sexual intercourse is considered an exhilarating and enjoyable act."

_Shepard laughs even harder as he walks off to his private quarters, where he had ordered Miranda and Liara to assemble earlier_

Shepard – "Hey girls, you ready for this?"

Liara – "Ready for what commander?"

Miranda – "Isn't it obvious, he wants to have sex….Sorry commander but I refuse."

Liara – "I will have to agree with Miranda, sex is a no go."

Shepard – "I have given my orders, now strip…both of you"

Liara – "Commander, I can't, not in the presence of another."

Miranda – "Fuck your orders commander…"

Shepard – "That is not the spirit I wanted, but ok….Liara has bigger tits and a rounder ass, but Miranda has a more smooth and perfect body…however, I would have to say that Ashley is better in bed…unless of course, either of you can prove me wrong."

_Miranda's and Liara's clothes drop to the floor and the two girls grab the commander and pull him onto the bed….You can probably guess what happens next._

_Shepard stands victoriously next to his bed. Miranda and Liara are laying down, eyes wide with open with sexual exhaustion._

EDI _Intercom_ – "Thank you for the demonstration of how to complete Jeff's orders commander."

Miranda – "What? Who else is watching?"

Wrex _Intercom_ – "Quite a display Shepard! You are one to be feared!"

Thane _Intercom_ – "Your movements are quick and precise, with the fluidity of a true master. You are impressive commander."

Liara – "How could you Shepard?"

Shepard – "Shut up bitch, you know you loved it."

_Shepard laughs and walks off to check to see if the supplies from Omega is on board and legitimate._

Shepard – "Ashley, are all the supplies accounted for?"

Ashley – "Yes commander, including the new series holo-games you ordered."

Shepard – "Yep, gonna look forward to playing them…."

Ashley – "Halo was a good series."

Shepard – "I don't pay you to play games."

Ashley – "I'm a volunteer…."

Shepard – "Shut up bitch, I found you drunk on the floor…you still have not re-earned my respect. Now, what is Halo about?"

Ashley – "A human soldier saves the universe from an ancient evil called the flood while the various species of the universe are in conflict."

Shepard – "Sounds just like this universe so far, continue."

Ashley – "There is an ancient technologically advanced race that disappeared but left behind their technology and weapons to fight the evil, called the Prometheans-"

Shepard – "Sorry, did you mean Protheans, because they match that same description. They even sound similar by name."

Ashley – "'Prometheans' commander. Anyways, the soldier ends up using the ancient weapons to defeat the ancient evil."

Shepard – "Damn, sounds good. But I could swear that it is somehow similar to this reality."

_Shepard shrugs his shoulders and walks off to the elevator. He ascends to the main level to set a course for the Citadel_.

_Shepard finds Joker and Edi in the cockpit…fulfilling Joker's assignment. Shepard watches intently from around the corner until they finish._

EDI – "I believe that your orders are fulfilled Jeff."

Joker (Panting) – "Yeah, you could say that."

Shepard – "You have earned my respect Joker, I now label you a man."

Joker –"What the fuck? Were you watching?"

Shepard – "Of course, would you expect anything less?"

Joker – "No, I suppose not."

Shepard – "Set a course for the Citadel."

Joker – "Aye commander."

_So yeah, that's pretty much it._


End file.
